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You can never go back.

Feb. 27th, 2006 | 02:09 pm
mood: exhaustedexhausted

Well, here I am. I haven't been on here forever. I've been working at Outback four days a week, interning two days a week and I've been using that one leftover day to try to keep my life in working order and see one of my friends who has a little baby. I actually can't even believe that it's all over now.

Sometimes I guess you think about something so much that when it finally happens, it's just too much. In my case, too much change. In retrospect, I can't believe I would even think about looking forward to so much change all at once.

Leaving Outback (a serving job that I will actually miss), moving to Forest Park, and waiting to hear a yay or nay on whether I've officially moved into corporate tool-dom is just so much to handle all at once.

It's weird to think that, five months ago, I couldn't wait to get into this phase of my life and now it's pretty much over. I couldn't wait to start my internship. It was all I could think about. In fact, I thought Starlight was my "dream internship". I was staying at my Mom's and packing hobo packs to stay anywhere else. Even Dan's. I was trying to memorize Outback abbreviations and I just couldn't wait until February when Dream Date would come and my internship would be over and I could move into the real world.

It's just funny how things turn out differently than you'd think they would.

When I graduated, I thought I would get an internship, land a job, and join the real world. Piece of cake. In reality, I graduated, struggled with a bout of depression for 6 months, joined a marketing firm, got fired a month later, was unemployed for a few months, and then picked up an internship and my job at Outback. Thus leading me to where I am now.

As I write this, I'm supposed to be packing. It's weird how your apartment feels when you're moving. You know it's your home, but just the bones of it are left. I'm having a really hard time motivating myself to pack things for some reason. Normally I can just get moving. I'm the type of person that does more the more I have to do, if that makes any sense.

I just feel this really profound sense of loss, presumably from leaving Outback. My mind knows that this is a good time to leave - driving from Forest Park is just not do-able and everyone I like working with there is about to leave - but I just really liked it there. I felt loved and appreciated. I felt like I was a part of something. Plus, I'm just now feeling this really enormous sense of exhaustion. Like there's been months of exhaustion in my body that I just haven't been able to feel and I'm only feeling it now. I honestly feel like I just took a muscle relaxer. I just want to eat something and watch TV and sit under the covers.

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Poor neglected LJ

Nov. 25th, 2005 | 10:29 am
mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable

Sorry LJ. I neglect you mercilessly. Today Dan and I are going down to Congress Park to take a picture of the Post Secret that is right by the station. Then I go to work to hopefully make some fucking money because it's the day after Thanksgiving and for some reason everyone in the world feels the need to pack themselves into malls now. Right now. Today.

Hey! I'm the United States! I've got a great idea! Let's create a meaningless tradition designed only to increase revenue for businesses! Bonus points if it's annoying to the consumer and they don't notice it because they're so programmed to spend spend spend!

I must be the most negative person in the world. Bah humbug.

Side note, all my little mood foxes look the same. Mopey. >.<

Edit: I guess I shouldn't be so down on the Pre-Xmas Bonanza given that the economy is so bad, but really. Must it all happen on this one day?

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Nov. 14th, 2005 | 03:58 pm
mood: exhaustedexhausted

Amanda, I hope I added your right LJ. Mothermaryfuck looked like it was just a warehouse for your communities. I'll check those out when I don't have to go straight to work.

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Poo on today.

Oct. 8th, 2005 | 03:24 pm
mood: nervousnervous

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher.
You'd make a talented professor or writer.

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.
You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

I went back and checked. The only thing that kept me from purple hair was the fact that my hair is not currently dyed a dark color.

So last night, Daniel was not feeling talkative and just sent me a text message telling me that he didn't feel like talking and that he hoped I had a good day and to sleep tight. I always get so worried when he does that because I don't know if he's upset or angry or what. I won't be able to talk to him today because tonight is Boys Night. I hope everything is okay. I'll talk to him Sunday during the day.

I also get to see Steph on Sunday, who I haven't seen since ever due to the fact that I now work seven days a week and her schedule is full with Bob and her Mom and work. So tomorrow we will see each other. I'm really excited about this, but I'm worried about Daniel, so I'm busy being retarded right now. I know nothing is wrong with him, but I just want to call him and just make sure that nothing is wrong. But I know that would be stupid. I don't know. I'm just being retarded.

More Outback tonight. I am a closer for the first time. I had a bad night last night. Made two mistakes, once I didn't see a table get sat and they sat there forever and another time I was doing my sidework and was still on the floor and didn't see a table get sat. Oh, and then I was running food one time and a table got sat and I didn't see them get sat and so they sat there forever. So I pretty much sucked last night. I made no money. Like, just barely 10%. The problem is that I don't focus and I'm paranoid that I'm not carrying my weight. Emotional baggage from Giordano's, I guess. Mostly I just need to focus and things will be okay from there. I think that's it.

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Just a thought.

Sep. 24th, 2005 | 11:43 am
mood: happyhappy
music: DJ Shadow - Right Thing (Tokyo Ghetto Remix)

So my birthday was last Monday. Since the Sunday before that, my mother has been (doing a horrible job of) trying to coordinate a time for me, her and my brother to celebrate it with her side of the family. I find that, despite the fact that I don't really mind her side of the family, my resentment and dislike/hatred for her is leaking over onto them. I find that I am blocking out going to celebrate with them because the thought of doing anything celebratory with my mother is very distasteful to me. I feel coldly hostile towards her - like the result of her irrational hostility over the years is that now I have no faith, trust, or warm feelings for her past what I would have for Person X.

I do feel bad about blowing off Grannie and Foo, though. They just think I'm being a dick. But really, I don't think I'll ever be someone who feels like family is of utmost importance. I feel tied to my dad and, to a lesser degree, my brother, but my priorities are my friends and boyfriend and getting my life in order so that I can get an apartment and real job. Family comes somewhere after that. I guess I will never be the type to get psyched over family and kids. Maybe I will end up like the girls on Sex and the City. 40 and single with a career?

Other than that, my new job at Outback is going really well. My trainer, Eric, is really awesome and he says that I am the best trainee that he's ever had. He is their Employee of the Year, so that makes me feel pretty good. I seem to be getting along really really well with everyone and the tables so far have loved me. The sidework is really easy, too. I'm glad that I stuck through the rediculous amount of tests. :)

I kind of miss the fact that me and Dan will kind of have to just see each other when we can see each other, though. It will be more difficult for us for the next six months. We've had it so easy while I haven't been working that I think it's really going to be a bummer to our currently blissful state for me to now have to go back to the kind of schedule that restaurant work affords. It's just so opposite his schedule. Maybe the best time for us to see each other will end up being Tuesday and/or Wednesday night(s) and then whatever day I don't work from Outback? And then I can hang with my friends during the days? But then when would I see Steph? I dunno. I guess this will all work itself out as I get into the swing of working at Outback.

Well, I must go shower. And soon I'll have to change laundry to the dryer. Hm. What else do I have to do before I go to eat with Grannie and Foo at 3? Smoke a cigarette, charge my awesome iPod, and clean my car perhaps?

Masked Mexican Crimefighters!

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The Passion of the Penguins.

Sep. 21st, 2005 | 03:10 am
mood: annoyedannoyed
music: Faithless - Mass Destruction

Save your soul with penguins.

The religious right is so fucking retarded. And nuts. Fucking retarded and nuts. At the same time. Did you know that penguins are an argument against abortion? Yes, that's what the religious right says.

Boy, you know, watching penguins suffer to take care of a big, unweildy egg... damn. That makes me realize that abortion is W-R-O-N-G.

In fact, I won't try to convince you on my own. Let me use the exact words that God's Homies have bestowed upon us to prove thier own point:

Anti-abortionist campaigner Jill Stanek says the nurturing penguins were a stinging lesson to women who contemplated a pregnancy termination.

"I remembered last year's March for Women's Lives in Washington, DC, when pro-aborts gathered to bolster their right to kill babies," says Stanek, in a column on WorldNetDdaily.com. "I thought maybe a penguin movie analogy would help people understand."


1) Pro-choice - the belief that women should have the choice to either carry on with or end her pregnancy as she feels is necessary

Pro-abortion - the belief that pregnancies should be ended

The distinction may be fine, but I assure you that one involves the end of the human race and the other involves selective death.

2) What kind of retard says "Hmmm... how can we help people to understand that abortion is murder? Oh! I know. Penguins."

3) At another point in the article, it says "This is the first movie they've enjoyed since 'The Passion of the Christ'. This is 'The Passion of the Penguins.'" WHO LETS THESE PEOPLE TALK TO THE MEDIA?? Do they not have PR people?? Spokespeople?? Hell, trained monkeys would do. I mean, that doesn't even make any sense. The Passion of the Christ is about the crucifixion of Jesus and the events surrounding it. March of the Penguins is a documentary about the mating habits of penguins and how cute the little baby ones are, as far as I can tell.

So... maybe it would be baby penguins being crucified? And I would learn core Christian values? And be a changed woman?

Stupid. And I'm supposed to be doing my stupid media contacts list. And here I am reading this shit. God I hate stupid religious people. You'd never know there were any decent religious people out there with these tardasses running around.

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WTF? I'm busy!

Sep. 20th, 2005 | 05:27 pm
mood: excitedexcited
music: Front 242 - Headhunter

I can't believe it. Just look at Lissa and all her adult responsibilities. I'm such a big girl now. Soo proud.

I got an iPod, too. It's from Daniel. I swear I have never loved music as much as I do when I listen to it through my ultra-awesome new iPod.

I said to Daniel the other day that I thought that the Sealab theme song was our song and that I kind of decided for us without much input from him. I feel kind of bad now. I want to know if he thinks that that is our song.

I can't wait until my real new life is fully in swing. I've got my internship (which I'm kind of slacking on, but not detrimentally, I don't think), my new job (after a jillion mfing tests) - or at least I think I do, and a kind of rebirth both with Daniel and in my own head. I can't wait until April. That's my deadline. I'm moving out in April. This is going to be so great.

And just in case you didn't know...

Yeah, I like redheads...
and naked dolls with tweezers;
With huge plastic boobs and clean-shaven pubes,
she's the kinda gal who fits in your freezer.
With her naturally fake locks and her nipples hard like rocks,
she makes a deep impression when you squeeze her.
With those seams in her legs, she's sure to bear no eggs
and there isn't any point in trying to please her.
But no matter what they say, she will never run away
and pick up sexually transmitted diseases from junkie geezers.
She's just a plastic doll, standing naked, standing tall
and she's wielding a pair of pointed tweezers.

I fucking love the internet.

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(no subject)

Aug. 26th, 2005 | 05:23 pm
mood: hothot

It's funny how I spent most of this week thinking "How will I choose between these two internships if they are both offered to me?" and now I haven't heard from either of them. They both told me I would hear from them by the end of the week no matter what. Yet here I am. No calls. See Lissa worry. So now over the weekend the focus is to find a job to hold me over in the mean time. Even when I get an internship, I'll need to have that lined up. But where? My dad says Starbucks. I have no idea why. But where should I go? The idea of serving makes me want to throw up. I'd really rather do retail, but it just doesn't pay as well. So what do I do with myself? Victoria's Secret? I have no idea. Someone give me some ideas.

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(no subject)

Aug. 2nd, 2005 | 04:35 pm
mood: blahblah

Stealing Floz's quizzeeees.

Skeleton key
You unlock everything, because you are a skeleton
key. You are resourceful and can fit yourself
into any situation and find a way through. No
one can keep you out, but not everyone will
want you to come in.

What sort of key are you and what do you unlock?
brought to you by Quizilla

So. Waiting to hear back from some applications I sent in. I guess I'll send in some more today. I hate being in this state of flux. I don't know how much to apply because I don't know if I'm going to hear back from the places I've already applied to. I still need to re-contact Anderson because I need to go to their volunteer orientation this month because I missed it last month. Not that it's going to matter much because I am going to be gone most of this month. See? This is what I don't like about things being up in the air! You never know what you're supposed to do with yourself! Am I supposed to just fling throw caution to the wind and see what turns up? Or am I supposed to have some sort of order to this process?

I guess I kind of answered my own question. I told myself when I was fired from Aspen that I was going to just sort of jump and have faith that I would land somewhere good. I must now follow through with that.

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Jul. 22nd, 2005 | 05:44 pm
mood: lethargiclethargic

Your Daddy Is Darth Vader

What You Call Him: Big Daddy
Why You Love Him: Because he's your baby daddy

Awesome. Also, this has become one of those annoying blogs that is riddled with quiz results. Sorry guys.

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